Filed under: Relationships
Men, it’s on us again. The worst of all conniving holidays. The one started by the makers of cheesy, overpriced greeting cards. The one reinforced by guilt-mongering, more-expensive-than-diamonds-dipped-in-oil flower shops. Valentine’s Day. Ugh.
Some preachers and all mothers have tried for years to tell us a sappy tale about a guy named Valentine who went against the Emperor’s marriage ban and died for his trouble. First, let’s debuunk this rediculous myth, then let’s get you through this year’s Valenlame Day with some measure of your dignity remaining.
Here’s the story link of which I belive not one bit. It cannot be true for several reasons:
- A guy named Valentine?
- Marriage means more kids, which means more subjects to tax; Emperors like taxable subjects, so there’s no way he killed the wedding planner.
- This was all supposed to happen to St. Val (a Christian) somewhere between 200-300AD, but Christians of that era were far too busy running from lions to spend any time trading romantic cards. Besides that, we all know that romance did not exist in any form until the Allies won WWII. We’ve seen the photos.
- Chaucer is credited with popularizing the Valentine’s Day fable in the 15th Century. Between the 4th and 15th Centuries, Christians were preoccupied by running from lions and the plague. They had zero time to stand around Wal-Mart looking for a tolerable Valentine’s Day card. This proves that romantic love did not exist until the late 1940s when the National Greeting Card Association invented it because the world was safe (and bored) for awhile.
- Walk into any CVS, Wal-Mart, Target, or car wash and you will see what? Valentine’s Day cards. Stacks of them, all overpriced and not one with an envelope that fits. None have anything to do with romance–the subject matter is “sex and more of it” which only proves that romantic love began after WWII when hungry GI’s returned home from the National Greeting Card Association Annual Convention in Munich.
Now that we have clearly proven the dubious roots of this misleading holiday, you must understand something, men. IT DOES NOT MATTER. You will perform for this holiday or you will regret it.
I am here to help. Now through Feb 14 – a day that shall live in infamy – Groupon, Living Social, and aDealio will offer spectacular date and gift ideas sure to please even the most finicky “other.”
I have experience at nearly every step on the income ladder, especially the lower rungs, so yes we will stay within your budget. Here you go. No charge.
Cheap date: candy bar, park bench, talk about nature. You share the candy bar. Nature will likely take care of itself.
Moderate date: movie followed by ice cream. The movie will need to star two or seven girls, all of whom will remained clothed, and it will make absolutely no sense to you. Over ice cream you will NOT discuss the movie or sports. You will ask for an explanation of what the heck THAT was about, and you will listen attentively. Listening is what your girl wants. I know, but try anyway. This is why you get ice cream – because the time it takes you to eat that last nib of cone is the total extent of your listening power. Any longer and you will, in fact, die. Eat slowly. Nature will take care of itself.
Pricey date: Shoe shopping (for her). Get her to try on hopelessly-painful-to-wear heels made by a man that might not be a man and whose name is unpronouncable in Texas. While she is trying on the shoes admire her legs. Nature will take care of itself.
If you cannot get excited about my magnificent, proven, and free ideas. Go here (also free): Date Night Ideas. Hope you make it through.
1 Comment
In 24+ years of marriage, I’ve learned that if you keep the bar low enough the other 364 days, you don’t have to jump too high to go over on this day. ‘Nuff said.
Comment by Danny Gilliam February 8, 2011 @ 1:40 pm