Jack’s Buzz

It’s Friday and I’m working in San Francisco. The joy of mobile productivity! It’s also Janet’s birthday–our cab driver said she looks 30. Ahhh, mayyybe 32.

Today was good. I set up 2 appointments with church planter wanna-bes. Told one guy to calm down and get a job (lost his funding). Told another to act like a man and play by the rules. Confirmed speaking at three conferences (CPM Forum in Atlanta, SENT in Dallas, and Flourish in Atlanta). I also got to tell American Airlines why I prefer Southwest.

OK, time to update.
Champion Sportswear emailed me about the bait & switch blog. They were very nice APOLOGIZED, explained it as a technical difficulty and clarified. Contest is real, and it’s on but you only win $500. Still–I’m in! I’ll post the link next week when I’m blogging from a laptop instead of iPhone.

Wiebel’s scenario on paying ministers versus lawn guys has gone viral (see my version earlier this week). I’d like to amp it up. Can anyone besides Frank “Throw Heat” Viola, make a case from the New Testament for or against paying ANY staff salaries? Seems like some of our churches may be run more closely to Microsoft than a NT church but I’m open.

Finally, my cabbie today was great & very intelligent. Here’s a good shout out to Bud Hazelkorn, owner of “Bud’s Cab and Notary and Marriage Officiant” Bud is a minister with the Universal Life Church. He was an investigative reporter here in San Fran for many years before times got tough. Thanks Bud, for telling us about the places with great views and where to walk.

Part of my morning was spent checking the Hornets’ position in the NBA standings. While reading ESPN’s NBA standings news, I saw a very clever click through ad. The company, Champion Sportswear, is one I recognize, and they make stuff that I like. The ad said that I could design a hoodie. It showed a series of pictures of very cool, masculine (this descriptor will matter in a minute) hoodies by very hip designers. The ad said that if I designed a particularly cool hoodie, I would win a fat $5,000.

All I needed to do was click the button marked “Start Designing.” I bit. I clicked. I wanted to design something, own it, and wear it. I wanted to win the money. I took the bait. I got the switch.

My click sent me to the company web site with a cover ad for a 2-for-1 sale on sports bras. I do not buy sports bras. If I had to guess, I’d guess that very few of the people in ESPN’s primary demographic buy sports bras.

It gets worse. The site has no mention of the design contest. No banner, no menu item, no photo of cool designer hoodies. Even when I tried to find the design contest on their site by using the search function, I got nothing. No hits on “hoodie” or “design.” Champion pulled a classic bait and switch. They conned me to their web site to sell me something other than that which they offered. 

You may think you will never bait and switch, but Christians and churches do it ALL THE TIME. I was taught how in seminary. To be clear: Jesus NEVER did it, and there is no hint of approval of this absurd practice in the New Testament. According to God, it’s a dumb tactic.

I can think of 4 reasons to NEVER bait and switch. 

1. You waste my trust. Unless they’re at a magic show, people hate to feel they’ve been tricked. If you tell your neighbors that you’re throwing a BBQ in your backyard and then turn it into a Billy Graham Crusade, they will not appreciate you. If you tell a co-worker that you’ll pray with her for her sick mom, then spend the entire break reading her the Four Spiritual Laws, she will not trust you with her time. If you promise to take your kid to eat ice cream, then stop by the doctor’s office for a shot first, she may think twice about next year’s Mother’s Day gift.

If you promote your organization’s “openness and family atmosphere,” then make the financial decisions behind closed doors, your employees will think you mean “we’re like the mafia family.” If you imply that your group values a person’s thoughts, emotions, and insights, then provide no avenue for them to express their thoughts, emotions, and insights, you are a Western church with a Sunday morning service (oops, how did that get out?). If you tell me I can come to your place to do something fun, then hide it from me, I’m gone. Maybe forever.

2. You waste my friendship. I will tell my real and virtual friends what you did. I’m telling you now, am I not? I remember a college marketing (or maybe psychology?) professor teaching a class that the average person tells ten people about his or her very positive or very negative experiences, and five people about his or her mildly positive or negative experience. Average experiences get no publicity, I guess. He was wrong.

If a student really likes a class, he tells ten friends? Nope. He tells 100. If he sleeps during the class because his teacher worked overtime to make an interesting subject boring, he will tell ten friends? Nope. He will tell 1,000. I think my professor was right in 1980 and dead wrong in 2009. Facebook, email, blogging, twitter; all take old social axioms to exponential heights.

I read every story about fantastic or awful service. I know Nordstrom’s loves its customers, and Lakeview Harbor’s stuffed shrimp special was disappointing. (If a status report is funny, I remember it even more clearly.) I know that Mobile, AL has terrible traffic control and crime is a hobby in New Orleans. I know that Orlando has few jobs and Austin has great live music (and few jobs, but more than Orlando). I know that Bonobos pants fit and look great, Gran Torino is a moving film, and Chicago is too cold for people.

Brother, you bait and switch me or one of my friends and we will spread it. You waste my friendship and I’ll do what I can to make sure you do not hurt my real friends.

3. You waste sharp, creative, grade-A people. Somewhere in the bowels of Champion Sportswear is a person who created a great ad and a fun contest. She or he will find out soon that the ad was used in a bait and switch campaign.

It may be because of a web site glitch. Perhaps things just did not work well before they were launched. Perhaps no one was malicious or intended to b&s me. It will not matter one bit–that highly creative person will wonder why she or he is working for Champion. More than likely, they will find a new opportunity and Champion will be left with the C students. 

Your church acts unloving; your whole city knows within a few hours. Your most creative members will leave when they think their talent is wasted. Your company treats employees like dirt; your other employees start polishing their resumes (and the best ones usually leave first).

4. You waste money. Champion wasted whatever they paid for that ad. Click through ads charge by the click. I clicked, they paid, but I did not buy. That’s a waste.

You plan your event to help people find your service (or your Savior). You invite. You clean. You cook. Whatever; you put in some effort. Then you waste it if you do not do exactly what you said you would do.

If you take my class, I will increase your skills. I will not sell you irrelevant concepts. I will not put you to sleep. I will not waste your time. If you come to my party, we will enjoy each other’s company. I will not sell you Amway products. 

Simple cure: lead an open and honest life. Never bait and switch.

I rarely forward anything. This is too good to pass up. It came to me from our Provost, Dr. Steve Lemke who included the following caption: “Sometimes in explaining complex doctrinal points, a picture is worth a thousand words . . .”

I love it. Made my day. Hopefully, my emergent/emerging and SBC friends with whom I often agree will join me in laughing at ourselves.

What a glorious day in our nation’s capitol. So glorious that our Congress decided not to waste even a moment solving our national ills. Upon realizing that they have not one clue how to solve the economy, political partisanship, or get the Smithsonian to open that big, weird castle next to the Mall, the alleged lawmakers turned their attention to, you guessed it, sports. BCS, Florida get more criticism on Capitol Hill – ESPN.

Congress began the session, that lasted just over one hour, with a commendation of the Florida Gators for winning the Mythical National Championship (MNC). Gator fans everywhere paused for exactly four seconds to yawn. Upon passage of the commendation, the Congress shuffled papers for a half hour, then decided to call it a day due to heavy traffic. Regarding the issue, Speaker Nancy Pelosi remarked, “Today is an historic day for the United States.” She was unavailable for further comment.

This important, earth shaking news: being fat is NOT your fault, you have a cold. My muffin tops are the result of a virus. I KNEW THIS ALL ALONG. I have known it since I was the fat kid in fifth and sixth grade. I cannot wait to send this to my mom along with a big, fat, viral, “I told you so.” Here’s the science: Daily Express | UK News :: Obesity bug you can catch.

Thank the Brits. They figured this out. The same people group who have solved other global problems by doing important things like maintaining the royal family and giving us Boy George have now helped us all understand that Western obesity results from a VIRUS. It turns out that those Biggie Fries were not the problem at all, Oprah just had a cold. The scientists do not yet have a cure, just a diagnosis. This would be good enough news for most of us. 

This is very scary, folks. Pray that the virus does not spread farther up Capitol Hill. We do not want our President or the Congress to get sick, crave pork, gain tons of weight, and do something stupid like invade Alabama or bail out the donut industry.

It appear that the virus is most prevalent in Western, developed countries like the UK and US. The French seem to have developed a natural immunity as have many people in India and Africa.

One researcher (or philosopher, not sure which) think that people who carry the gene that allows them to be held captive may also have an immunity. It was noticed that very few obese people have been found in old photographs from concentration or interment camps, or contemporary refugee camps. All this is simply conjecture at this point, however; what we need is a CURE (and today is your lucky day my fat friend).

I FOUND THE CURE TO THE VIRUS! You knew I would. I stayed up late and got up early. I scoured world wide wikis, and I have it for you. Best of all, it’s completely organic.  

First the Don’ts:

1. DON’T GO NEAR FAT PEOPLE. They have the virus. They are infected, and it’s HIGHLY contagious (read the science). We may want to pass laws to create separate public potty, water fountain, and dining areas for all fatties–no offense, just good hygiene. We have a skinny President, so this should be an easy law to pass. The delegation from South Carolina may introduce it as soon as Thursday. The Office of Homeland Security can get it done–now that Mr. Bush is safe in Texas, they are virtually unemployed.

To stay away from fatties, stay away from their habitats. Fat people live in places like McDonald’s, Golden Corral, and the Food Court at the mall. Treat those places like the festering disease pits they are. If you must enter one, always wear a mask. 

2. DON’T EAT ANY FOOD THAT TASTES GOOD. This is how the virus is introduced. The virus tastes good. It tastes like fried chicken, butter, sugar, gravy–pretty much anything Southern. The reason for this is–you heard it here first–global warming and the Russians. That’s right, I got this straight from Al Gore and Rush Limbaugh.

Global warming has created an environment where the fat virus spreads (fat is warm, duh). It is widely believed that the Russians created the fat virus to end the Cold War by making people warm. Like every government program ever invented anywhere, they found out that an unintended consequence of the fat virus is fat people who are not all that warm, but are really fat. This led to the need for more material in clothing and expensive food, which collapsed the Russian economy. Just before that happened, however, the Ruskies released the virus in New Orleans, but no one noticed because everyone was already fat. That’s why it’s called “Fat City” among other things. 

So DO NOT eat good tasting food like that which people serve all over New Orleans. You starting to get the hang of this?

3. DON’T DRINK ANYTHING WITH SUGAR IN IT. Sugar is a known activator for the virus. You may carry the virus but be able to keep it at bay if you stay away from sugar. Drink 2-3 Cokes or one teaspoon of sweet tea, and WHAM, you’ll blow up, and someone will tattoo Goodyear down your thigh.

Now the DO’s:

1. DO EAT BLAND FOOD like raw vegetables and plain yogurt. Eating tons of raw veggies kills the virus. I know, I hate them too, but the medicine often has to taste bad to be good.

2. DO DRINK BUCKETS OF WATER. Water, plain, will cause your body to flush the virus. There is a side effect: you will go to the bathroom A LOT (that’s why doctors call it “flushing”). Warning: be careful of using the rest room if there are fat people in there. One way to do this is to yell, “Any fat people in here?” when you go into a rest room. I know this will seem odd, but you will get used to it for the sake of national security and health.

3. DO SWEAT. Sweat is a proven remedy for the virus. No one knows how it works–least of all the Brits who have made it a point of national pride to never sweat. This is how they lost the Revolution and why they never win the Olympics.

OK, now you have it. Go get cured!

I’m often encouraged and receive funds to recruit church planters. Problem I’ve found over the years is that my best planters were not recruited. They have some sense of a mysterious, hard to describe, spiritual leading, then they dug up information an found me. (Yes, they dug me up.)

The recruits tend to focus on a paycheck. The called tend to focus on multiplying Christ’s followers. But that’s just my experience. Those are not definitive or final judgments, just tendencies.

I’d like a greater measure of objectivity. I’m curious about your experience. Were you led spiritually and then found some help or did someone (me, perhaps) draw you into starting a church?